The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of an American Expat living in France. The Good is what I love, The Bad is what drives me nuts, The Ugly is the challenges I’m facing.
Can you believe it’s already been six months since I moved to France?
The time has seriously flown by. Granted, I did go back home for two weeks to go camping with my family. And, we went to Tanzania.
And did a road-trip through the Republic of Georgia. And we somehow found time to do a week of camping each in the French Alps and in Auvergne (pictures forthcoming!).
So, I guess you can see why I’ve been a little busy.
It feels like so much has changed over the past six months. Moving to a foreign country is a huge adventure, but it also comes with challenges. A LOT of challenges, guys.
I think one of the reasons why I’ve put off writing this post for so long is because I’ve been a bit nervous to tell you all that things aren’t perfect over here.
To be fair, things aren’t perfect *anywhere*, but I know that if I knew someone who moved to France, I wouldn’t really want to hear their complaints about it.
Well, tough stuff guys, because that’s going to be a large part of this post.
Yes, of course there’s amazing baguettes and wine and the French countryside and did I already mention baguettes?
So, there you have it. Baguettes, wine, and the French countryside are the good things so let’s move on to the nasty stuff, right?
Maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. Of course being with Geoffroy is amazing, his family and friends are all wonderful, and it is so beautiful here that I feel like I’m in a dream.
But the life of an immigrant in a new country isn’t so easy. I’ve gotten off very easy with most of the paperwork and bureaucracy side of things because I’m self-employed and American.
I didn’t have to wait in line for years for a lottery visa like many people do if they want to move. And I know I’m living in France and not somewhere that seems, on the outside, horribly different from what I’m used to.
And I know I’ve visited more than 50 countries so you would think I’d be immune to culture shock by now… but somehow, even with all of these things on my side, it still kind of feels like crap living over here.
Now, this is not necessarily a problem with living *in France* so much as it is an issue of living in a place where I don’t speak the language, I don’t know how to do anything, and I don’t have all the same rights and freedoms as I did in my country of origin.
With this in mind, I’m going to split this post up into three parts: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The Good will be a quick run-down of all the things I adore about living here.
The Bad is a review of the specific things that are driving me nuts about France.
The Ugly will be about the challenges I’m facing living in a place where my autonomy is akin to that of a toddler.
I’m going to pepper this post with photos of France that I’ve taken since I’ve been here, so you can take my complaints with a grain of salt.
Ready? Go!
The Good
Do you really even need me to explain all of the ways it is awesome to be living in France as an American?
I mean, I already covered baguettes, wine, and the French countryside so I’m not sure what else to say. But really, the baguettes and wine are out of this world.
Oh, in case you were wondering, it turns out that dating a Frenchman is quite fun.
I don’t know if this is specifically a French-guy thing, or if his parents just did a *really* good job, but this guy is on top of it.
He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of the bills, he drove me everywhere before I bought my car, my cats love him more than they love me, and he’s romantic in this oh-so-charming way where he doesn’t know he’s doing it.
Does that make sense? It’s like the romance is just a part of daily life, not dressed up with hearts and flowers and only on Valentine’s day.
Another thing: in France, everyone appreciates beauty. People are always pointing out cute things seen from the car window, or raving about some exquisite food they tasted, or admiring how pretty a particular color is on an item of clothing.
It’s always these little things, but the French seem to treasure *everything*. You can see this in the language a bit, especially when they refer to something as “little” (petit/petite).
When something is particularly cute, or sweet, or special, they’ll add the word petit/e in front of the name for it just to emphasize how precious it is.
Even their names for things like boyfriend (petit-ami, or “little friend”), mother-in-law (belle-mere, or “beautiful mother”), and step-brother (beau-frere, or “handsome brother) show a sense of appreciation.
I don’t know if the French appreciate beauty because there is so much of it over here, or if France is so beautiful because the French appreciate it so much. Chicken and egg problem I think.
Other random things I love about being here:
- In most of the small villages in our region, the public lights are extinguished after ten p.m., so we always have a nice view of the stars at night.
- I always know what time it is because the church bells are constantly ringing (this only recently moved off of my “annoyances” list).
- It’s much easier to travel within Europe and Africa from here.
- The healthcare system is awesome.
- People don’t care as much about money.
- Salad at the end of the meal is a fantastic improvement.
- It is legal and acceptable to drink wine at a picnic.
- Practically nothing has to be refrigerated.
- Kissing everyone hello and goodbye – this is really starting to grow on me.
- The food is less processed and people care more about being healthy.
- Living abroad is an adventure!
Alright, that was a short section. But you’re really just here for the complaining right?
The Bad
Okay guys, settle in and prepare for some AMERICAN WHINING!
If I had to nail down one thing that I miss the most about the U.S. (excluding all of the people I miss, of course) it would be convenience.
I never realized how entirely freaking convenient everything was back home! You have all-night grocery stores, mail delivered on weekends, 24-hour restaurants, shops open on public holidays, food delivery, etc.
Part of my current problem is just where we live. We live in a little village (population: 310) in the Jura region of France. Never heard of it? That’s because no one has.
We’re about halfway between Lyon and Geneva, if that helps. It’s absolutely gorgeous here, but living so rurally we just don’t have access to the same conveniences of city living.
Now, I’ve never lived in a French city, but I’ve visited a time or two, and I know that convenience isn’t always the order of the day there, either.
Restaurants are usually only open from 12pm-2pm, and 7pm-10pm. I was pretty used to eating dinner at 6pm before I moved here, so that’s been quite an adjustment.
More than once I’ve been to an event which included dinner where we didn’t actually sit down to dinner until after 11pm.
Pharmacies (the only place you can buy bandaids, cough syrup, pain reliever, etc.) are closed every day from 12pm-2pm and usually shut down by 6pm in the evening.
We’re only about 20 minutes away from a proper “city” so we drive there a lot when we need to run errands. It’s always a game of “oh crap, what time is it?” because if it’s between 12pm and 2pm, every shop, pharmacy, office, bank, and store in the city is closed. If it’s NOT between 12pm and 2pm, every restaurant in the city is closed.
It’s always a race to get out of the house and get everything down before the dreaded 12-bell chorus, because otherwise you’re stuck waiting around in town for two hours before the shops re-open.
Of course, it would be lovely to just use that time to sit down to a nice lunch, right? Wrong, obviously.
Half the time when we show up somewhere, at the proper time of day, the place is closed anyway.
Sometimes there’s a note on the door explaining that they will return (when?), sometimes there’s just nothing.
Sometimes the place has obviously gone out of business years before but never bothered to take down all the signs and advertisements directing you there.
Restaurants often go out of business after only a few years, so you can never trust any signs you see that point you to somewhere to eat. Same goes for gas stations.
If we do find somewhere that is open, 85% of the restaurants in this area only serve the same five things. Granted, these five things are all regional dishes, and are delicious (when prepared fresh, and in the right way).
But, guys, sometimes I just want a freaking taco. Or some Thai food. Or literally anything other than the same five options I see on every restaurant menu.
The restaurants here are also crazy expensive compared to the prices I was used to in Portland. Accompanied by that famous French customer service (or lack there-of), it’s no wonder we never go out to eat anymore.
Going out to restaurants was something I used to LOVE to do, so it feels like giving up a lot. I also just weirdly miss food trucks, drive-thrus, coffee to-go, and take-out.
Grocery stores are closed on Sundays, restaurants are closed on Mondays, nothing is open on any of the 300 public holidays, and EVERYTHING is closed for the entire month of August when, inexplicably, the entire country takes their vacation at the exact same time.
I don’t know where any of these people are going on vacation, because even the restaurants and hotels in the touristy towns often close up shop for the entire month.
When it’s not a holiday or the entire month of August, you can still run into big problems getting things done because, inevitably, there will be a strike.
Were you planning on taking the train somewhere today? Too bad, train workers are on strike again.
Did you book a flight somewhere, and you remembered that Air France is always on strike, so you booked with another airline? Too bad, because when you get to the airport you still can’t go anywhere because the air traffic controllers are on strike.
Sometimes, La Poste goes on strike and no one gets their mail for a while. This is all just really common stuff, and no one seems to be bothered by it.
There is even a little section in the newspapers which lists official strikes and demonstrations that are going on that day, so people know how to make their plans.
In the States, the customer is king. When you walk into a shop or restaurant, you are treated in a nice way (because they want you to spend money there).
Often times in France, I’m treated like I’m a huge pain in the butt for interrupting their day by trying to buy something in their shop.
I’m not saying I need a restaurant server to fawn all over me (actually, when I visit the U.S. nowadays I feel really uncomfortable with how much attention they give you in restaurants).
It would just be nice to not be treated like a nuisance when I’m there to help keep their stupid restaurant in business.
Just take my money, give me one of your mediocre five dishes, and we’ll be done with this thing.
A few more things:
- No one here uses air conditioning and it sucks.
- There are no window screens so mosquitoes are everywhere.
- People here believe being cold or being exposed to too much fresh air can make you sick. This includes use of air conditioning.
- Dishwashers and dryers aren’t really a thing. I don’t really miss the dishwasher, but sometimes I wish we had a dryer so I could re-shrink my clothes, you know?
- I miss good beer. I need more IPA in my life.
- Speaking of beer, I really miss being able to buy pre-refrigerated beer in shops. Here you have to plan ahead and take it home to be chilled.
- People here look at you like you’re a psychopath if you smile as you walk past them on the street.
- Ice is not a thing. Like, not in restaurants at all, and also you cannot buy bags of ice at the store. So parties have no ice. NO ICE!
Of course, surely the French think that the way Americans handle all of these things is equally weird.
Why would we want to eat dinner before 8pm? Why wouldn’t we support our fellow citizens in exercising their right to strike in order to earn better working conditions?
Why shouldn’t everyone take a daily two-hour lunch break and go on vacation for the month of August?
Why would we make people work graveyard shifts just because we might want to pick up antacids at 3:30am?
I’m not saying that the way the French do things is wrong. I’m just saying it’s been really hard for me to adjust.
The Ugly
Okay, ready for the really nasty stuff?
This certainly may not be the case for everyone who moves to a foreign country, but for me, the adjustment has been a bit of a nightmare.
When I lived in the U.S., I was autonomous. I owned my own house, knew how to look after it, supported myself financially, and felt comfortable dealing with just about any situation that came up in day-to-day life.
When people made pop-culture references, I knew what they were talking about. When I wanted to buy baking soda, I knew to scan the grocery store aisle for a little orange box. If I had an issue at my bank, I could call and speak to someone about it in a language I understood.
I could drive and understand all of the road signs. I didn’t get confused and frustrated trying to buy something simple like bleach at the grocery store.
I could go to a doctor’s visit by myself and not have to fight back tears of frustration because I simply couldn’t communicate my problem.
I didn’t feel useless, isolated, or like a burden on other people. I didn’t need someone else to help me all the time.
I could make new friends. I could talk to people. I could join a club, I could take yoga classes, I could meet a friend for coffee. I don’t have any of that here, and it feels horrible.
I’ve been working really hard for the past six months to learn the language, and while I can read novels in French now, I just can’t seem to get over my fear of talking.
I’m so nervous about making mistakes, being judged, and being excluded. I know I’ll never be able to make a life for myself here if I don’t speak the language, but that pressure just makes it even harder for me to speak.
At parties I’m often standing around for hours, trying to follow the conversation and laugh at the right times.
When your only social interaction involves being left out of the conversation and often times completely ignored, it really takes a toll on your sense of worth.
Occasionally I’m lucky enough to meet people who want to practice their English with me, or who are willing to put up with my halting French for a few minutes at a time, but for the most part I’m just left out of the fun.
Sometimes when people are being nice, they will talk really slowly in French so I can understand what they are saying.
This usually lasts for a minute or two, and then they will turn and address someone else in rapid French and I’m left with no idea what’s going on.
While I know that no one is intentionally trying to make me feel left out, and that it isn’t anyone else’s problem that I’m not fluent, it still hurts to be treated liked a little kid who dared to interrupt the adults.
It’s honestly so, so hard on my self-confidence. A lot of days I can’t even face going outside and dealing with it. When I go into town to do the shopping or run errands, I’m so worried that someone is going to say something to me and I just won’t understand. I hate to draw attention on myself as a foreigner.
There are so many little rules and faux-pas I don’t know about, and sometimes it feels like I’m constantly embarrassing myself.
There were times when I felt homesick a bit while traveling, but I was always around other people who were in the same situation. I could talk to them (in English!) about missing things from back home, and they would understand. Even in a city where I knew no one, I could roll up to a hostel and find a half dozen English-speakers in a matter of minutes.
The culture shock that I’m feeling now is more about feeling isolated from an entire culture, rather than just missing Taco Bell (but seriously, guys, Taco Bell!).
Okay, that’s about as heavy as this post can get, so I think it’s time to wrap things up.
Have any of you ever lived abroad? Or thought about it?
If so, I’d love if you would tell me about in the comments. Where did/would you go? What did/would you miss the most about your home?
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Comments
I can relate to all of this… it’s my 11th year as an expat… first Dominican Republic and now Morocco. I love it but everything you said is soooo relevant and true and I speak Spanish and French and it is still true!
I came here for your Dahl recipe and am so glad I decided to read some of your travel blog!
My partner and I met in my hometown of Victoria, BC and I moved with him to Belgium in August. I have worked as an aupair in Europe a few times before but this is a whole another adventure. Nothing has gone to plan and I gained a bunch of anxieties over the winter that I had never experienced before. Luckily, like any hard times, they (or rather my outlook on them) passed and some beautifully profound changes are happening!
I can relate to so much of this post and can imagine some of your other struggles. My in laws have a place near Langres in a tiny town and it is absolutely stunning but I can imagine the difficulties of making it home. It’s amazing how much your perspective changes over time, curious how things are going with you now (I’ll probably figure that out as I read your blog).
Is that ?strat? yours or your partner’s? Do you sing or play any other instruments? I really enjoyed your blog on your hike to Lac Noir. Appreciate your honesty about how you might not be the best hiking pal haha.
Thanks so much for sharing! Looking forward to exploring more of your blog and recipes. Going to try out the Dahl next week 😀
Amanda
hello
How just loved everything you wrote qbout France,it s has if wrote it myself!!!I am 62 years old canadian lady ,,who lives on and off in France South,,i can understand very well ,,and i enjoyed reading your blog,,,it will get easier ,,,but some of your bad and ugly ,will make it to the good list eventulaly and some wont !!!Vive la France!!!you are excellent writter,wish i could say the same !!!Thank you ,Joanne
keep up the good work!!!
Hi I moved from Argentina in the 1970’s I was already fluent in English so the adjustment was easier. I live in California and I’m married to somebody native of this state. We both live to travel and meet new people, we are thinking about moving to Europe we are thinking France, except we know French is one of the hardest languages to learn but with any language the only way to learn it is to speak it and make mistakes. I love Europe and their outlook on life. Europeans are much better informed than Americans specially younger ones.
Hi Anetta!
I randomly found your post while looking up what it’s like living in France. My boyfriend and I spent two years living in China (we GET the culture shock and lack of convenience), however after being back in the state for a few months, we’re anxious to move abroad again and have settled on moving to France, hopefully by this time next year. Ironically, I saw you are also from Portland, Oregon?? I am from Portland and my boyfriend is from Bend- small world! We are looking at Vienne (near Lyon) but we are open to other areas. Would love to chat with you more about your experience and any advice you might have on finding work/ places to live/ etc. Would also love to meet up with a fellow Portlander abroad if we do end up in that part of the world! 🙂
I want to move to France for permanent residence. Thank you for the detailed and informative article. I really liked your story.
Haha, nailed it …I feel like I could have written this exact post about living in Austria for 18 months!
I am studying the possibility of immigration to France. This country is very attractive. Thank you, the article is informative and useful for me.
Hi Anetta,
I randomly found your blog while looking for weekend recommendations in Oregon, and then I kept reading and reading since I found it really interesting. I actually find myself in the opposite situation right now: I am from a tiny rural Spanish town and my husband is from California. We just moved to the SF Bay Area a few months ago. My cultural shock has been like yours but reversed. This is not the first time I move to another country and I will admit that past experiences have made this process a bit easier. But still I have been feeling stressed and absolutely misplaced a lot of times. After a while, I decided to adopt a the position of a “passive” subject rather than an “active” subject, at least for a while. I have been observing and understanding how life works in here, rather than jumping into social interaction right away and finding it hard to fit anywhere. Now I am starting to make friends, and I know what kind of jokes will be funny and what kind of jokes no one will laugh at. (I actually think that understanding a culture’s humor is a deal breaker when moving abroad) I understand that language can really be challenging but as long as you try it is just a matter of time, and in a blink of an eye you will find out you are already fluent.
The think that shocked me the most in here is being able to buy anything anytime. I am used to stores being closed on Sundays and also everyday from 2 to 5pm (it is traditionally siesta time in Spain, although many people don’t take siestas, they rather just eat, digest and relax with no rush). As much as I enjoy my resting time, every other worker deserves the same. If you plan ahead your shopping, that shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t want the lady on the corner store to spend the Sunday working, I want her to spend it with her family and friends! It made me feel bad seeing people working constantly everyday and even night shifts here in the Bay Area. I mean, I don’t really have any need so urgent that cannot wait until next day. Or if so, I can go to an emergency room. Life is maybe a little bit less confortable for the costumer but a lot better for the workers, so as a costumer myself I am happy to accept that. I would encourage you to see the pleasure of living like this, I never prayed to the “the customer is always right” thing, I think that we are all people who should have a decent life. Another think is costumer service: I know that France together with Spain have a bad reputation for it, and I am not denying it. I myself have left a restaurant more than once for rude service, but on the other hand when it is too fake friendly it makes me cringe. I came here to eat, that is it.
Just as you, I could say a lot of good things of people in here just as many as bad things of the style of life. But hey! I am happy to be here in the end, soaking my heart in a different culture, opening my mind with so many different influences and enriching myself with new experiences. Not everyday is great and not everyday is terrible, but life is definitely getting better with time. I really hope you find your place there in France, I don’t know how old this post is, but I hope you found the way to best savor those small pleasures of rural life.
Cheers from the other side of the mirror!
Hello Anetta,
I just moved to Frankfurt in april and the shock of trying to figure out grocery in german really took a toll on me in initial weeks. I would walk like a deaf and dumb in a busy street because I did not understand the language and any hint of english from afar would bring a smile to my face. Maybe it will help me grow as a person I hope but Sometimes it becomes really lonely and frustrating. But I still intend to make a life here, maybe someday.
As someone who is pretty close in age to you, has a French SO, has lived in France for the past 3 years; I GET YOU. I’m lucky enough to have an almost fluent proficiency in French but TBH I feel all of these feelings frequently. It makes life hard but the good news is that it will get better. I really stopped pressuring myself to find and create French friendships. French women aren’t interested in new girlfriends past university unless they’ve traveled extensively. I now focus my time on making friends with other expats. I know you say you live in a rural area but you’d be surprised that there are lots of anglophone expats all over France. They might not be the same age but they could be a good support system. I also recently started doing language tandems and the people I’ve connected with are so warm and friendly. Perhaps there is a Facebook group for the Jura that involves polygot or language learning. Or even putting up a sign in your local marie (who knows!) It’s hard but worth it to make a life here in France. You’ll feel proud of yourself for pushing through it.
Hi Rebecca!! Thanks so much for taking the time to support me. I’ve been taking a similar approach and have just stopped pressuring myself. I worked with a great online therapist for a few months and it helped so much! What part of France are you in?
SO SO random but I just refound your blog & this point and my comment! I live in Toulouse in the Southwest. Before that I was in Aix-en-Provence/Marseille 🙂
OMG! I love your post! it seems it had been posted a while ago so I guess/hope you have some “ugly” that turned into “bad” or maybe even “good”. The language for sure is always a big barrier to enjoy a life somewhere.
Anyway… I laughed a lot about what you said about French people and maybe more because I’m French :p I’m myself expatriate and at the moment in Singapore since a year. I did live in Hong Kong for 10 years before and before that I was in Japan for 3 years. There’s challenge everywhere but I would say that living in a small town like you do would even be an expatriation for French people who used to live in a big city. Even though it’s soooo beautiful.
If ever I return to France one day I wish I could have someone like you living next by so I wouldn’t have to be surrounded by French only!!! Haha
I will have now to have a look at your recipes!
Good day!
Hi, Laurence! Lots has changed over the past year, and I’m feeling a lot better over here. Small town living definitely has its challenges! I’ve never been to Singapore, but it’s definitely on my list 🙂
First, I like to agree with what you’ve said in the “good” section. For me, France being a beautiful country with good food goes without saying these days.
Now for the next bit: I’ve been living in France for a total of 3 years and unfortunately, I don’t like being here. My SO is French, which explains why I am still here. I don’t mind the small roads, the shops closing early, the lack of A/C. What I mind is how I’ve generally been treated, both in public and in professional settings while living in France.
Circumstances really drive our life’s experiences and that goes double for life abroad. The following things will largely shape a person’s expat or immigrant experience: 1) are you married or single 2) do you speak the language 3) are you working or retired 4) do you have children 5) are you a ethnic, sexual or religious minority 5) are you male or female 6) are you a professional or student 7) are you moving for love or do you have your own job? And many other things that I’ve failed to list, but also importantly 8) WHERE in the country do you live? All of these things have impacted my experiences living in France.
I began by living in a less progressive area just for work, where I experienced loads of racism is xenophobia for a period of almost 1 year. I moved to another part of France which was much better, but I still struggle with various other aspects. Despite that awful experience, I pushed through due to my SO. I continued to job hunt for new work, but am still blocked by the language (I am not yet fluent). I spent hours learning the language, despite open ridicule from strangers and non-strangers alike, and even my professors (strange, isn’t it? I’d never think to ridicule a foreigner learning English). After 3 years, I feel like life in France is getting only slightly better…but I am scared that the damage is already done. How much time and work will it take to see more positive experiences?
I really like the first comment I saw, which talked about immigrants in the USA and how they feel. I totally understand their angst and why they decide to leave, because after all I’ve been through in France, I’m ready to do that same.
I learned Spanish as a little kid (thanks Texas!) and relearned it as an adult. Weirdly, one of the best ways that I got better at listening for things was to watch TV or cartoons that I already knew in English but in Spanish! They’ll have the idioms or casual language that is lacking in official, school-type education.
Another thing that MIGHT help is having your honey speak to you and make you speak to him in French. He’s a built in tutor, and you probably are more comfortable around him!
Good luck, sweet friend (I’ve been reading for years, so I weirdly feel like we are friends)! I’m glad MOST of it is great, and I totally feel you on the convenience. That’s one of my big frustrations in all of Europe. I know the beauty and slow pace of European life is because everyone isn’t stressing to do their jobs, but not being able to buy tampons at 7:30 at night is a special kind of struggle.
You are so right! I’ve been re-watching How I Met Your Mother (in French), and though some of the jokes don’t really come through, it’s helping me just get more used to the sounds and prosody of the language. And I definitely need to take more advantage of my “pillow dictionary” 😉
Hi Anetta, I recently was in the French countryside for a 2 week vacation and felt a lot of the same feelings you did. I don’t think I ate lunch the entire vacation because I was never hungry until 2:30 and of course everything was closed. Once I decided to just go to the grocery store to grab a banana to hold me over, but they were closed until 5pm, too! LOL! I also couldn’t believe how many bugs there were since no one had screens and often I had to decide if I wanted to be really hot inside (no AC) w/ no bugs or get some fresh air outside and get bitten alive by bugs! Although I ran into some really nice people who seemed happy my husband and I were at their restaurant/shop, we too felt unwelcome by many attitudes we experienced. Neither of us speak French so I’m sure that had something to do with the not-so welcoming attitude but it was a bit annoying after a while. As you know in the US we don’t get many vacation days so to go somewhere and spend our money and our limited vacation days just to have people turn up their noses at us was a bit off-putting. I really love traveling and experiencing other cultures but I think Italy is a bit more my speed. Anyway, I wanted to say that I think it’s amazing that you’re living in France and learning French and I’m sure that 3 years from now you will look back and laugh and not be able to imagine NOT living there! I remember when I moved from the NJ suburbs into NYC and I thought that was a culture shock! So kudos to you and I can’t wait to read more of your adventures!
I totally understand those frustrations! I’ve had to get used to eating lunch at exactly noon, and dinner around 8pm. Yesterday I was doing my grocery shopping and was quite thirsty because it was warm in the store (no AC, of course). I wanted to just grab a chilled beverage, but there’s really no such thing here. I had to buy a six-pack of bottled water stored at room temperature. First world problems, am I right? Once you’ve been spoiled by the chilled beverage aisle in American grocery stores, it’s hard to live without it 😉
Anetta–First off, I just discovered your blog today, LOVE IT so far, your writing is captivating!.And I have your recipe for lemon poppyseed squash bread baking in the oven at present… Also, I loved this post. It brought me back to my 14 months living in Argentina from 2013–2014, which is widely called “the France of South America” to those who have travelled there . I was 20 years old, I knew NOT A SOUL, and I’d never traveled abroad until that point, so jumping into a new life in a new country was shocking and exhilarating at once. I can totally relate to your frustrations with shops being closed, etc. In Argentina, shops/restaurants/grocery stores/pharmacies/etc. open at 10am, close at 1pm for the siesta, open again at 5pm, and close again at 8pm. Fresh fruits and vegetables were rare a find, and were extremely expensive when I did chance upon them. Every restaurant and every home served the same five things (ñokis, milanesas, sandwiches, asado, empanadas), and all of Argentina was obsessed with those five things. When people asked what my favorite food was, how could I tell them that sometimes it was Orange Chicken from Panda Express, and sometimes is was an authentic mexican street taco, and sometimes it was sweet potato fries? All they had was Argentine food, they didin’t get that in the States we’ve got all the world’s plate HERE at once… Perhaps the most difficult part of my life there included my time helping the sick and impoverished–I was there for Missionary work for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints–and I spent much of my time in the slums and in hospitals. The public hospitals, wow.. The medical utensils used in hospitals there looked like they were straight out of a WWII era movie, the nurses walked around with bloodstains and who knows what else splattering their aprons, and dogs wandered freely through the halls. I kept feeling like “is this really happening, this can’t be happening, how come everyone’s okay with this? Where are Lysol wipes and pristine white scrubs and the non-smoking on hospital grounds policy?” And then, language. It was difficult to be in a room where I knew people were talking about me, “the spoiled American,” and to understand what they were saying but not have the words to respond… Perhaps they were right, perhaps I am a spoiled American. But it still hurt to feel alienated because of my mother country and the upbringing I had had (and the upbringing I had loved!)
Anyway, it was hard.
The things that got me through it: #1–God. I don’t know what your religious perspective is, but I have a firm belief in a loving Heavenly Father, and praying to him and trusting him and reading his word brought me so much peace. I knew that though I was void of others who knew what my life was like, He did. #2–Learning the language. I studied for two hours a day and practiced in every opportunity I could. Spanish became more of my tongue than English was while I lived there. I flubbed up A LOT, but after six months of intensive study and practice, it became not only easier, but extremely delightful to speak the language. You might be finding, as I did, that culture is tied to language. So much of what they said and the way they said it reflected their values, interest, morals, etc. #3–Having fun & falling in love with the people. I legit feel like I’m 1/2 Argentine now, and I only lived there a year. Now that I’m back in the states, I still have a sweet association with the friends I met and I still drink Mate and eat dulce de leche on a regular basis.
Sorry for the novel, wow this was a long comment… But I loved your perspective, thank you for sharing. God bless <3
Wow, Mikayla, what an incredible experience! I’ve certainly seen a lot of those same things you’ve mentioned in places all over the world, and while France’s medical system is quite different from what you’ve described in Argentina, I can understand what you mean. Thank you so much for writing to me about your time spent abroad. It really means a lot to me to know that what I’m going through is just a normal growing pain of adjusting to a new culture.
This article really resonated with me…I am Hungarian with a french boyfriend and although we are only spending our holidays in France,i really understand what you are writing about self-worth and standing around in parties waiting for the right time to laugh. I also find it difficult to speak for the same reason as you. It only makes it worse that people keep saying: oh but dont worry if you make mistakes JUST TALK .. it really just makes me more stressed and anxious . It is a beautiful country, i love the food, the music, the books, … but there is some imcredible anxiety in me everytime i know im going to be the only foreigner in a party where you sit at a table for 3 hours to eat your meal and the only thing you keep thinking about is that jesus im gonna cry im so lonely and bored because i dont understand a lot + i cannot really express myself thus im makong a shit impression lets say when im first meeting my boyfriend’s friends…
It is really really challanging. But of course, there is an incredible amount of beauty fun and adventure in being in france. Thank you for writing the article!
I totally understand, Agnes! It is such an incredible challenge. Sometimes I feel like I’m just no longer a real ‘person’ here in France. I know it will just take time for me to assimilate (somewhat) into the culture, but DAMN am I tired of waiting. Are you and your boyfriend living in Hungary?
Yes we do at the moment. So i know it’s also difficult for him here. But me I love talking, debating, joking around, so thats why i feel so miserable in France when the only thing i can do is to sit and smile or repest the same basic sentences again and again…phew…
Ah, I’m the same way! I feel like I’ve lost my personality here because I can’t say anything other than “Anetta hungry, Anetta tired, Anetta want cookie” 😉
Hang in there, Anetta! Sending you a big virtual hug. I know how hard the first couple of years are. I think that in time, certain things will get easier for you, especially as you start to pick up the language. But life abroad is far from easy and I applaud you for writing it. It’s important to remind people that it’s not all baguettes and rainbows over here. Life abroad is real life and it has its challenges. If you ever need a supportive ear, I’m here.
You may enjoy this post of mine that I wrote after about 5 years in France (hope it’s OK to post, may help others having a hard time as well): https://www.ouiinfrance.com/dark-side-of-expat-life-in-france-and-where-to-get-help/
Hi, Diane! I’ve actually visited your site a time or two, and I really love that post you wrote. Thank you so much for leaving such a kind comment, I really appreciate your support 🙂
Honestly I was thinking that if you are SO unhappy, that perhaps you should return home. It actually surprises me that someone who has travelled so extensively, that you would’ve expected this and would easily go with the flow. I have been all over the world as well, and not once did I ever feel the way you do. I have lived in France, Italy, Singapore, etc. and loved them all. Sorry.
Hi Colleen – Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. The point I was hoping to get across with my post wasn’t that I’m unhappy. The theme was to talk about the difficulties of cross-cultural life. I’m very happy for you that you’ve had the opportunity to visit and live in so many beautiful places!
OMG, such bad advice. I have been living in and around Zurich for 20+ years. Living somewhere with no end date is not the same as a vacation or a limited long-term assignment. So many people posting here are reporting the same feelings, currently or when we first started. As you said language is the biggest hurtle–independence, connection with people, basic functioning in the world. Some frustrations. This can make for funny stories when you are traveling; less so when it’s day after day (Now how the heck am I supposed to flush THIS stupid toilet?!). I prefer DeepL now for my translations, Duolingo has been a huge support (along with classes, not by itself), and I recommend braving a handful of phrases to speak. Start with absolute essential, like where is the toilet. And never go into a drug store without the item jotted down on your phone; it is the very last place I wanted to use hand motions to indicate what I needed.You may be alone in your tiny town, but you are not alone.Big hugs,
I found this to be very powerful. It can be easy for the average American, who hasn’t done nearly as much traveling as you have, to feel enchanted by the idea of leaving the States and moving off to a new country. For years, I dreamt of moving away to Europe, believing that my adaptability and independence could pave the way for success wherever I would go. But this article is an important reminder that even with copious traveling experience and a fairy-tale romance, relocating is HARD.
My mother teaches English here in the States, in Pittsburgh, to immigrants from every country imaginable. What you are feeling is exactly how so many of them feel here. Her students came here for a better life, but most are experiencing isolation from their inability to converse with people, embarrassment when they don’t understand the culture or language, confusion when trying to shop or watch tv or drive anywhere, and anger when they cannot find any authentic foods from their country here. Several of her students are depressed, lack any motivation to continue learning English, and keep themselves closed off in cliques of immigrants from their own country, refusing to even try to adapt here because they feel defeated and discouraged. Nearly all of her students are homesick, traveling back to their home countries for extended periods of time as often as they can, and my mom has been shocked and saddened by how many students haven’t come back because they hated it here.
Your feelings are valid, and I felt the need to tell you, stranger to stranger, female to female, that you are an incredibly strong, talented, and fascinating woman who is clearly capable of absolutely anything. You have no reason to be insecure about admitting that things aren’t working out as you had hoped. Just because a plan has changed doesn’t mean it is a failure, and if you decide it is time to go home, then it’s simply time to go home! And if you are determined to stay there and continue trying to make things work, then you deserve to give yourself more credit at how much you have adapted to and to have the confidence that you can learn the routine and the language of the land! You got this, whatever you do.
I hope this uplifts you in some way. Your site is amazing, your recipes and stories are helpful and appreciated, and I truly wish you the best in your continued journeys wherever you end up.
Wow, Adalene. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me! You’re absolutely right; it’s so easy to think that everything will be better in a different place, but, as they say, the grass is not always greener. This experience has made me feel more sensitive to the plight of immigrants (even though I already considered myself a supporter of immigration!). Sometimes I wonder if living in a bigger city would make this transition easier, or if it would just make it more likely that I would, as you said, close myself off in a clique of immigrants from my own country. I wouldn’t say at this point that I want to go home — I often felt like a black sheep even back in the States. I’m doing what I can to make the most of this experience, and enjoy it while it’s happening. Thank you so, so much for this comment. It really made me feel a lot better!
Omg, I moved to france 7 months ago from Houston and I have the same experience. I am completely isolated from my environment. I still hate going to the grocery store because I cant ask questions. I keep buying the wrong cleaning products. I need help to call for doctors appointment and cant communicate while there which left me crying at the doctors office one day out of frustration. . I cant just pick up a to go meal when I dont want to cook. My neighbors only wave from distance or just ignore me…i am so homesick Etc… I thought I was just being negative… glad other people are feeling the same…
I totally understand! I just passed the one year mark and things are getting a lot better. Hang in there! What part of France are you in?
It gets better….. you get better…. they get better …. life is better.
Been there, done that, 25 years and counting…..